The 4AM text – R-A-W*

“re·la·tion·ship/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/

  1. the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”

– Google dictionary

As i am writing this, it’s currently 4am, I’ve been tossing and turning since 3. I can’t stop this overthinking hot machine of mine. I’ve realized lately that everything revolves around relationships. The opportunities we get, who we become, who we are, what we do, it all comes down to the relationship with others. In your family, you have this inherent bond, it’s like the token card you get when you start the game of life – Picture God saying : ” Here you go, this is the first persons you’ll have a relationship with and how you will start this game, these first interactions will be the foundation of how you handled all others.” At work, specially in the corporate world, people spend their life mastering the art of ass kissing in order to form relationships that can help them climb the corporate ladder. In business, who you know or who knows who you know can help you tremendously and make a difference between a noodle soup eating business owner and a private chef’s breakfast eating one.

There are various types of relationship, there are acquaintances, classmates, coworkers, friends, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, family, family that you adopt and so on. Each to be handled with their own care, it’s like there is an undeclared written book, that we’ve all read, on relationship and each relationship category is a chapter where you learn how to treat them. What you tell your friends vs what you tell your coworkers. How to greet your old classmates when you accidently bump into them at the grocery store. Who and when to prioritize relationship, my coworkers anniversary or my boyfriends dinner ?

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Turn of events – My life is a melting pot

“I wonder if we ever overthink each other at the same time” Random Instagram post

Today is one of the rare days were I start writing with no title yet, just because I feel like sharing my feelings and updating you guys on the evolution of life. As you read the next paragraph, I would like you to picture it.

It’s the beginning of April, still a bit cold in Quebec. I am laying in bed, my body aches and I am not feeling so well. Could it be the fact that all I have been doing is work, sleep, eat, shower, repeat ? Would that be a bad thing ? That is what I most was doing anyways given all the lockdown restrictions – I will refrain from discussing potential illegal gatherings that may or may not have occured briefly. I was healthily physically ill – Now I’ll let you make that make sense… My organs needed to be shaken and my body needed to be moved. I think the universe was sending me a huge sign :” The human body – specially yours – is not made to be stationary girl” ! So, I strapped up ! I started a 30 day yoga following discussions with a friend of mine on commitment and physical activity.

If you are interested and think you have what it takes to commit 30 days to some not hot yoga, I followed the BREATH – A 30 Day Yoga Journey with Yoga with Adriane on Youtube. I needed something free that I could do at home and that will massage and tackle all my organs at once. It worked. Prior to that, I had only flirted with Yoga and dreaded the first sessions with a passion but in the end, I found myself being grateful. Grateful for Yoga – Who would have thought! I then started biking beginning of may and by the end of that month I was also running. It’s these: once you start you can’t stop type of things and I am happy about it, my body feels good, my confidence has improved and I can feel like my brain is breathing well again – another one for you to figure out. I was at a point where I was cancelling plans to go for runs – Can you imagine ? Oops.

I mentioned earlier being grateful for Yoga, but there are other things that I started being grateful – I did get a push from my cousin who knows I love a challenge. This time around, I had to find on a daily 3 new things to be grateful for before falling asleep. I ended up finding myself thinking about these 3 items every day when dropping the kids off at the swimming pool (I’ll let you google that after reading this post) – I guess that’s where we get our best ideas ! After 2 weeks of doing it, I was running out of things to be grateful for, should I have been grateful for each elements on earth – that could have lasted me a few years I bet. But I didn’t, Amongst other things, I ended up being grateful for a roof, for friends, for family, for music, for musicians, for human kindness, for my ancestors, for all my lovers, for all my colleagues, for all the material things who help us get through the day and always I am grateful for my bed – a long time best friend.

Have you ever wondered what you are grateful for ? Think about it! And while you do so, I’ll talk to you about my weight loss challenge in may and how it helped my savings. 3rd of may, I joined a weight loss challenge group, the principle was simple : don’t order or eat out, fix yourself a weight loss objective and attain it – mine : 10lbs. I did fairly well and met the objective, it was though as myself and Ubereats know each other on a first name basis – Yes, in other words: Uber had the all access VIP seat in my credit card, and like a true regular, never missed a statement! In may though – only one ticket was bought (a cheat weekend was allowed) and I was proud. My wallet was over the moon. I came to a realisation that I already knew but confirmed: more than 25% of my income is spent on take-outs. This was a game changer ! I have since then slowly decreased Ubereats access to my precious coins and my savings are excited – Insert cheers with casino cashing money sound.

The month of June, I did some gardening and started dating again. I feel like at this point I should just give up on dating. I’ve gotten so good at being me that I don’t have time to play games, If I like you, you’ll know. If I don’t I’ll tell you and we move on. Perhaps I didn’t give this dating thing a fair chance ? Sadly, 3 weeks after being on Hinge, I was overwhelmed, it was too much – Of course it was, look at me… I am definitely a catch ! Work was also ramping up, and people who know me will tell you: I don’t play with my work. But I did meet some nice guys (details will be left for another post if that is something that interest you). I observed plenty (like a scientist in a study), did you know that a great deal of the men out there are “damaged”? I don’t know what the women (or men themselves) are doing out there but these boys are in their 30’s walking with broken hearts.

By interacting with my boyfriend candidates even after a quick discussion, I could unveil past relationship fears and scars aka “baggages”. Like the one who thinks all women will cheat on him, the one who thinks he’s got the best life story, the one so stuck on past scars that won’t ever have the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend, the one that wants a relationship and says he “really” likes you but doesn’t show it. Do people nowadays need a simple book on how to just love or show love ? Where did some parents go wrong ? Maybe after 25 yo, since our parents are not matching us anymore – it’s not 1880 obviously-, we should both show up to the first date with a written list, check the boxes off and try it out for 3 months and call it probation (not dating, not seeing each other, just good ol probation with a start and an end. This year, I also came to the great realisation that having a partner is nice but not having one is very fine in 2021, and on that note, we shouldn’t “not settle or settle”, you like the person, go for it, they hurt you leave, the planet is big enough, life is short enough.

I want to end with this : ” Stop complicating things and say things how you mean them – It might come out wrong but if it’s the right person, it’ll go right”.

On that note please don’t go out there insulting people on my behalf, I condone cussing !

Josie Escapes…

A-di-das? I did that ! The *laser* hair removal ride

“You never know what you can do until you try, and very few try unless they have to.” – C.S. Lewis

With that dear… trying new things is what I did because I had to. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures? The topic of hair removal has been a real wrangle initiator in my life for as long as I started to grow my first “hair” – if you know what I mean *insert weird wink*. Growing up, females around me rarely (to not say never) shaved any of their body hair, ANY *insert eye emoji*. So it was normal for me to let everything grow and let nature do its course. Up until I landed in the land where women get Brazilian wax as often as a bodybuilder visits the gym.

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Get back… Back to work !

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” -Arthur Ashe

The time has come… For you to strap up and collect all of your working bones and return to money-making habits. Indeed, it’s that time where the holiday blues is coming to an end. The number of days where you can no longer sleep-in is getting lower by the hour. You can see additional responsibilities coming and whether you like it or not, work or school cannot be postponed. We shall all face it, it’s the time to get back to the grind. This statement comes with a lot of excitement for some when others dread it…

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Would you retrofit your 2020 ?

“I am merely at the midway point in the novel of my own life. On around page 250 of a 500-page tale and, given future medical advances, maybe even 200. There’s no reason why the next 250, 300, or even 350 pages will not be far more exciting than the first half.” – Ray Smith, The Magnolia That Bloomed Unseen

What type of blogger would I be if I didn’t take the time to wish my readers well. I have manners after all…

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Baby’s R us… Or are they ?

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P. Jones

Babies are cute… for a hot minute, yes. A little one in the family just turned one today and one thing that I have noticed is that babies are full time jobs. I saw a quick quote earlier which started with ” Making the decision to have a baby…” and I wanted to analyze it with you guys quickly… For most people that I know babies weren’t a decision, they were a result of a damn good time. Which in my opinion is what it should be – responsible, smart, financially ready individuals having a sloppy floppy and BOOM – babyyyy

Societal Pressure – Marry or not Marry ?

“You agreed to spend the rest of your life with someone in front of friends and family and it was a complete lie. How could I ever trust you !!??” – Guy in the show

I personally find dating weird sometimes. Every one seems to have a different definition of being with someone. Each have their own rules as long as at the end you and your partner are on the same page.

I’ve also noticed that it can be particularly tough for immigrant woman to date and find “real love” – whatever that is! – due to a few things mentioned in my Who am I ? – Part 1 post.

Last week, I watched “Dating Around” on Netflix – I don’t even know how/why I ended up watching it. I did not expect to be writing on this topic but Episode 2 of season 1 moved me.

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Mirror reflection…

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ”
– M. Scott Peck

Although failure is one of the main topics of discussion when it comes to life achievements and success, it is not the main source of my inner issues. I have researched the “famous and successful’s”, I have read quote after quote, most of them talk about how one shall not be afraid of failure, fail 10 times and succeed once, etc…

As much as I want to call “bullshit”… I can’t because if it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be the motto of millions of people for several generations.

I haven’t failed to the point where I am on the streets begging for food…yet – haha. I am yet to find my deeper issue and recently, I have been letting myself down !!!

On so many levels, from disappointing friends, family and coworker who might have cared about me. I am slowly becoming a hermit, all I want to do is hide. I have not failed, I have shamed – shamed my own being.

What to do when the person that keeps on letting yourself down is yourself, I want to blame my genes, my childhood, and my present self. On my death bed this weekend – yes I caught bad flu and had too much of self-evaluation moments. I relived my mistakes since the beginning of the year and I can definitely say that I have outdone myself in the disappointment category.

Side note – I decided that I do not want to attend graduation, not because I very much hated a part of my university experience but because I hate the “second” feeling, I wasn’t able to deliver as much as I should or could have due to other life circumstances. You are probably thinking that I should be more proud since I was able to get a degree with “all that”… No! Some people go through worse and are able to pull through fabulously, I sense that a part of me died in the process and gave up the diploma fight and for that, I am not proud and cannot allow myself to attend the ceremony.

I am grateful and thankful of the fact that I have a roof – at least for now before we get kicked out at the end of the lease – a job, a family that loves me, and a few friends that may still care about me despite me letting them down. I am also less and less happy and afraid to admit it to people and to myself – I don’t know the root of the unhappiness! – I do know that it is affecting me on a personal level causing all my reactions. I have prayed and wished that I could get a calmer personality …

” Josie why so loud, you are disturbing the neighbors” a friend would say – I did not realize that my voice tone and laugh decibels had gone up because I was having a good time.

“Josie shut up and it’s not a funny part” a friend would say at the movies – Hence why now I rather go to the movies alone – I don’t know nobody, I don’t see nobody, I laugh when I laugh, I leave when I’m done.

“Josie you need to think more before you act” – I must admit that I have been working on that because my emotions “finna” be the death of me. If I keep acting on my feelings at certain moments, I might end up on the streets for real this time!

I have been dragging that #2 feeling all along, after working hard for the past months at my job, I did not get a status upgrade, I thought, they would see that you are doing a great job, know that you have the qualifications and offer… They didn’t! And for that I have been blaming myself for one, caring too much and for two, not having fight for what I think I deserve. One person that I deeply respect recently told me: ” If you are doing a good job, you will never get promoted”. This sentence hunted me back today when I read “my assistant” referring to me in an email. It is starting to become harder and harder to bear the title, I love my job but I’m not sure how I feel about that #2 label…

Another number 2 moment was when I realized that most man that was attracted to me was taken – Do I give a #2 vibe !!? One of my aunties once sent me a “WhatsApp video” of a pastor saying that if you carry yourself as a wife, you will be and if you carry yourself as a single lady, you shall stay the same. Personally, I have been looking for where I am wrong, I don’t entertain any type of relationship with the male gender, I pay my own rent, drive myself to work and back home, cook, clean as much as I can and try to stay me so whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (please stress the “why”) do I have to be #2?

Gabe Paul, famous baseball executive manager once said:” There is no such thing as second place, either you are first place or your nothing”. I live my life being second place, I live my life feeling like I am nothing. As my Myers–Briggs personality test displayed me as “The Entertainer“, I am able to put a shield face every day and most of the time act unbothered, but I am, and I am beginning to feel tired of it.

I can see you coming with:”Well do something about it” so allow me to remind you that some things are easier said then done…

I am not battling failure, I am battling inner second place syndrome that is slowly wearing off my confidence and leading on a dark path of loneliness, disappointment and perhaps… Failure.

Now go on and try that personality test and update me on your discoveries!

Josie escapes…