The 4AM text – R-A-W*


  1. the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”

– Google dictionary

As i am writing this, it’s currently 4am, I’ve been tossing and turning since 3. I can’t stop this overthinking hot machine of mine. I’ve realized lately that everything revolves around relationships. The opportunities we get, who we become, who we are, what we do, it all comes down to the relationship with others. In your family, you have this inherent bond, it’s like the token card you get when you start the game of life – Picture God saying : ” Here you go, this is the first persons you’ll have a relationship with and how you will start this game, these first interactions will be the foundation of how you handled all others.” At work, specially in the corporate world, people spend their life mastering the art of ass kissing in order to form relationships that can help them climb the corporate ladder. In business, who you know or who knows who you know can help you tremendously and make a difference between a noodle soup eating business owner and a private chef’s breakfast eating one.

There are various types of relationship, there are acquaintances, classmates, coworkers, friends, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, family, family that you adopt and so on. Each to be handled with their own care, it’s like there is an undeclared written book, that we’ve all read, on relationship and each relationship category is a chapter where you learn how to treat them. What you tell your friends vs what you tell your coworkers. How to greet your old classmates when you accidently bump into them at the grocery store. Who and when to prioritize relationship, my coworkers anniversary or my boyfriends dinner ?

I grew up in various places so I got to create relationship bonds all my life. And also lose them, with family members, with classmates, with coworkers, with best friends and with boyfriends. I self Identify mostly as an introvert, but my friends would tell you otherwise. I am an introvert that had no choice but to be an extravert in order to survive this life as I am an introvert who do enjoy human interactions. So every new place, I had to get out of my shell and try to find people to bond with and to go through this new phase of life. I must admit that I did it well and I am very proud of the friends and boyfriends that I have selected for myself over the years whether I still talk to them or not. In my head, these people have a place and all of them are this sort of rare precious diamond and have a greatness that I see in them that they potentially don’t see in themselves.

My coworkers who I end up developing any sort of deeper bond with are always the ones, down to earth, nun judgemental and always ready for a good time. My girlfriends, are all different but they all exude strength, wisdom, power and confidence – unknown at times all that under a layer of genius. My guy friends are always very pragmatic, down to earth and witty. I won’t talk much about family because I didn’t get to choose them but I like to think that If I had to choose, I would still go with the ones handed to me. So far, this list is going well, until I get to the boyfriends. I always find myself with a project. It’s like I get attracted to people who walk up to me and say : “Hey I am literally drowning, do you want to risk your life and save me. ” Something like that apparently is very hot to me. Please note that you shouldn’t look like you need saving is also one of the criterias.

Brief parenthesis: Men seems to have harder times letting go of things. I’m not sure if it’s because they are mostly brought up to be less in touch with their emotions. After a breakup, a woman goes through this dark and sad phase – could last a minute or years… -where you analyze the relationship, you uncover what went down, perform a 360 investigation but then bounce back a better person, no hard feelings ready to jump both feet and hands in the air in another love nest. Men on the other hand in my experience, just don’t deal with the feelings – maybe just the ones I encountered.

If you are trying to find yourself, why do you want a girl? If you are still in love with your ex, why do you want a girl ? If you are not ready to commit, why do you think you deserve the time of a girl ? If you work so much you barely have time to sleep, why do you want a girl ? If you don’t know how to love or to be loved, why do you want a girl ? See for me, these are a few of the ways we all get entrapped in entering in faulty relationships or what others call a relationship with unavailable men or men with luggage.

Earlier, I discussed getting in relationships but what about getting out of them. The common reasons are usually : distance, scenery change, falling out, major difference of opinion to not say fights. For someone like I, distance falling out is something I had gotten used to, you move to a new place, you have to invest energy into creating bonds with your current environment which weakens the bond with the previous one due to the lack of time investment provided to the old party. You also fall out, when you grow different interest and become new people, this situation usually can be redeemed if both parties are willing to meet the new “you’s”, but it rarely happens since one is always attached too the first you they met. In romantic relationships, there is also the :” I can’t seem to know what attracted me here in the first place” and all you want to do is run but you can’t hide.

Back to my sunrise twilight thoughts, we often hear and say sentences like :” Don’t burn your bridges”, ” You must network”, ” put yourself out there and date”,”go make new friends”. I wonder, if we also truly understands the implications of these, the effort it takes to nurture and upkeep good relationships, the maturity it requires to communicate the harsh truths when needed without hurting the other’s feeling. We are forced into relationships by our peers constantly for “our benefits” but no one really talks about the tolls. What If someone is unable to bond with their coworkers or the bosses boss, does that mean no promotion ? What if a business owner doesn’t know the right people that could help push their business or these people are jerks and they wouldn’t want to be associated with them, do they eat dust ? What if you made friends but not the right kinds, will you be strong enough to stay true to yourself and your path ? What if your boyfriend is a jerk, will you know when to cut the ties or will you fear celibacy ? What if…

So I want to leave you with this reflection, do you think that in stay or form some relationships because you really want to or because of how your peer will perceive it, because of what you gain from it instead of your values ? When was the last time you thought of your life relationship, individually ?

On that note,

Josie escapes…


* You are reading an uncorrected text, I am going back to bed

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