I’ve thought about death

Pretty rough title eh, bet you never saw this one coming…Or maybe you did.

« You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth. » – William W. Purkey

Before anyone goes into a spiral of panic, please read the full article and save your “you need to see someone speech” – I think we all need to “see” someone anyways these times…

This year had us in all of our states. I would even go as far as saying this was a trying year. From being a kid who lived a pretty rough coup d’état. Gun pointed at my family, and a lot of other stuff, I can say no one was ready for this.

You may have been End of the world – the day after tomorrow – ready, but not pandemic ready, not stay with yourself ready and definitely not eat,work,sleep,repeat – I’m not talking about eat work, sleep 5X a week, go out one Friday out of 6, see family and friends, get a social boost once in a while, nope – You eat, you work, you sleep and you repeat.

If you’re job is like mine, where you work alone for most part of the day because your bosses are constantly in meetings and do know that you work well alone, then you know that it’s a lonely road at work. Not that I don’t see people or work with people but I don’t have a team where we build team spirit and use to go bowling every Friday let’s say. I like my job.

They say something about spending 1/3 of your life at work. Mine looks more like 2/3 and the other 3rd I spent mostly alone with myself and my thought. So anytime I have a conversation with a friend about dating and they try to tell me :”you don’t need to date, it’s your time to date yourself now”, I strongly want to say: Well guess what I’ve been doing for the past months… seeing myself only gets tiring, I mean I know I’m smart and hot but is there anybody else out there ??

I eat, I work, I sleep and I repeat, in no particular order. When I get home – because between work and sleep, I do shower and practice minimal self care – I get a lot of thinking time ! I must think more than most. Some call it overthinking, I just call it nothing better to do. Some like painting, some like playing music, I like thinking – is that a hobby?

So that’s what I did, I thought, every single day of this pandemic. And I thought about death, because that’s obviously the reason why we are all hiding inside our houses right now – to protect ourselves, and/or the others. We try to avoid death every day, when in reality it’s inevitable. And the best part is – or the worst part for the sane ones- is that it’s timing is unpredictable. I thought about the random natural ways people die, sickness, stress, accidents, sleep, etc. It really is like waking up every day and flipping a coin.

I thought about the meaning of life because you start a kid, you don’t think of much, you grow up, go to school, think you’ll leave forever, then it hits you. Then you wake up with so many questions, afraid to share, you try to talk to your family, you’re told to pray. But the truth is there is no answer, so just pray.

I thought of the impact I’d make when I die. Will my coworkers go like : good riddance, she was such a bitch and she didn’t work; will they feel a bit of empathy and take the time to put me on the weekly newspaper; or will they be ice cold, like I never existed. That last option, gives me chill, I would spent 2/3 of my life in an environment where I made NO IMPACT ? That’s crazy a bit… maybe impossible… I thought about my family and friends, they will probably be hurt but maybe not that hurt, because people do get over these, sometimes with alcohol and very bad addictions but they do. I thought about the world in general, will I have made a difference, am I living to make the world a better place or am I just living to leave it Ice Cold…

Then I thought : that’s reasonable human guilt! You fight that : you volunteer to be a part of the good in the world and you study engineering, to push sustainability and innovations, you really think you can do this. Then you meet Mr Bill & Mr Debt, the sons of Mr Capitalism, Mr Corporation the cousin. But in the mist of all these greetings, you’ll also have to meet Mr Dosomethingthatmakesyouhappythenyoullneverworkadayinyourlife Mr Love Mr build a family Mr Marriage and Mr procreation Mr Promotion Mr 9-5 Mr Happiness and all the in between Mr of Society. They all make you feel like you’re not doing enough. You’re not cooperative enough, you’re not there enough, you don’t visit enough, you don’t call enough, you don’t work enough, you don’t do enough, you don’t cooperate enough, you don’t understand enough. Then they all disappear, slowly but surely we loose friends – don’t tell me you still talk to all your high school friends, we both know that’s a lie – we leave our parents, we get divorced, we get fired or we quit, we breakup. We experienced these tiny little deaths because if you think about it, when you go through some of these experiences you’re not the same person anymore.

I’ve thought of death, the jump off a bridge part, the sad part. The part were you really feel like maybe it’s just not worth it, maybe nothing will ever happen, eat sleep repeat for how long ? But we know- Yes me and you – that it’s not the solution. Because every additional day is a day were we can be better, do better, feel better, get closer to this whole pandemic situation end – because it will end. They say « there’s light at the end of the tunnel  and I do try to believe that ».

So we keep going, but we don’t/can’t stop thinking.

So I thought…

Josie Escapes…

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