“The fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. Wanting friends, but hate socializing. Wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.”
I’m getting a pedicure today, sitting in the nail salon while someone is carefully taking care of my feet, I can’t stop thinking (Insert a French curse here). I have been going to the same Nail Salon for about 5-6 years – this is probably my longest relationship with anything in my life. I used to come here happy and chat about everything and anything. Now, I found I can’t speak anymore, I have lost the touch… If it isn’t “drywall” I don’t know what to say. Putting aside the fact that I am mentally tired and physically exhausted every time I go there, so all I want is rest, but I’d like for people to talk to me.
The last few weeks have been hard, it’s been a mix of me being too hard on myself and beating myself down for the wrong choices I made! I also have noticed that maybe I am just a summer person, I like biking, I like getting out there but not in the “awkward season” – I know you’re wondering what I mean so hang in there… The “awkward season for me” is the period between the end of the hot days (below 24°C) and January 5th. In that period of time, I basically have nothing to do with my life, I hate going out in the cold – I just lied, I’ll do it if there is booze, but you can’t bike and drive nor go drink by yourself in the forest, unless you are looking to die… and I’m not in that business.
The awkward season – I dropped the quotation mark, I think you get the drama effect by now… If you’re still reading – is the season in which I review my year. I look at how I started it, how I am going to end it. And most of the time the appraisal is disappointing- I always have too many expectations for myself Girl (or boy, I like to think that some man might read my mess sometimes)!
I will leave all the goals and new year resolution balance sheet for another post but know that once again I did not learn from my mistakes (maybe a little lol. But not enough).
This is the time of the year where my friends are to busy living life from buying houses, studying for the bar or just studying in general, getting their coughing season mode on. So really there is no socializing – or maybe they just don’t want to socialize with me…Which is totally fine! Good thing wine bottles don’t choose their social buddies but the other way around!
The period where my finance always seem to take a hit – proven studies of Josie for the past 3-4 years (yes I just referred to myself in 3rd person). There are so many birthdays, Christmas and all that good stuff ( and no these do not count as socializing for me because there is a reason for the get-together – how about you come to see me because you want to!)
This is the time where I also realized that I am loveable in the summer but not in the winter (another proven study of Josie over the past 3-4 years). Summer flings are niceeee. But when it comes to winter I think I pass on my despicable vibe (love me but in summer only – next post ?) to the lovers. Or maybe I’m just not loveable? I wish people could just open up and let me know what they think about me, it’d be so much easier to skim through life.
Everyone has their moments and if you tell me that you’re life is 100% Gucci, I would say that’s a lie. Now the question is what am I going to do to break that awkward season cycle? Because I do not want that for the rest of my life. How about you?
I’ll keep you posted…