Mirror reflection…

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ”
– M. Scott Peck

Although failure is one of the main topics of discussion when it comes to life achievements and success, it is not the main source of my inner issues. I have researched the “famous and successful’s”, I have read quote after quote, most of them talk about how one shall not be afraid of failure, fail 10 times and succeed once, etc…

As much as I want to call “bullshit”… I can’t because if it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be the motto of millions of people for several generations.

I haven’t failed to the point where I am on the streets begging for food…yet – haha. I am yet to find my deeper issue and recently, I have been letting myself down !!!

On so many levels, from disappointing friends, family and coworker who might have cared about me. I am slowly becoming a hermit, all I want to do is hide. I have not failed, I have shamed – shamed my own being.

What to do when the person that keeps on letting yourself down is yourself, I want to blame my genes, my childhood, and my present self. On my death bed this weekend – yes I caught bad flu and had too much of self-evaluation moments. I relived my mistakes since the beginning of the year and I can definitely say that I have outdone myself in the disappointment category.

Side note – I decided that I do not want to attend graduation, not because I very much hated a part of my university experience but because I hate the “second” feeling, I wasn’t able to deliver as much as I should or could have due to other life circumstances. You are probably thinking that I should be more proud since I was able to get a degree with “all that”… No! Some people go through worse and are able to pull through fabulously, I sense that a part of me died in the process and gave up the diploma fight and for that, I am not proud and cannot allow myself to attend the ceremony.

I am grateful and thankful of the fact that I have a roof – at least for now before we get kicked out at the end of the lease – a job, a family that loves me, and a few friends that may still care about me despite me letting them down. I am also less and less happy and afraid to admit it to people and to myself – I don’t know the root of the unhappiness! – I do know that it is affecting me on a personal level causing all my reactions. I have prayed and wished that I could get a calmer personality …

” Josie why so loud, you are disturbing the neighbors” a friend would say – I did not realize that my voice tone and laugh decibels had gone up because I was having a good time.

“Josie shut up and it’s not a funny part” a friend would say at the movies – Hence why now I rather go to the movies alone – I don’t know nobody, I don’t see nobody, I laugh when I laugh, I leave when I’m done.

“Josie you need to think more before you act” – I must admit that I have been working on that because my emotions “finna” be the death of me. If I keep acting on my feelings at certain moments, I might end up on the streets for real this time!

I have been dragging that #2 feeling all along, after working hard for the past months at my job, I did not get a status upgrade, I thought, they would see that you are doing a great job, know that you have the qualifications and offer… They didn’t! And for that I have been blaming myself for one, caring too much and for two, not having fight for what I think I deserve. One person that I deeply respect recently told me: ” If you are doing a good job, you will never get promoted”. This sentence hunted me back today when I read “my assistant” referring to me in an email. It is starting to become harder and harder to bear the title, I love my job but I’m not sure how I feel about that #2 label…

Another number 2 moment was when I realized that most man that was attracted to me was taken – Do I give a #2 vibe !!? One of my aunties once sent me a “WhatsApp video” of a pastor saying that if you carry yourself as a wife, you will be and if you carry yourself as a single lady, you shall stay the same. Personally, I have been looking for where I am wrong, I don’t entertain any type of relationship with the male gender, I pay my own rent, drive myself to work and back home, cook, clean as much as I can and try to stay me so whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (please stress the “why”) do I have to be #2?

Gabe Paul, famous baseball executive manager once said:” There is no such thing as second place, either you are first place or your nothing”. I live my life being second place, I live my life feeling like I am nothing. As my Myers–Briggs personality test displayed me as “The Entertainer“, I am able to put a shield face every day and most of the time act unbothered, but I am, and I am beginning to feel tired of it.

I can see you coming with:”Well do something about it” so allow me to remind you that some things are easier said then done…

I am not battling failure, I am battling inner second place syndrome that is slowly wearing off my confidence and leading on a dark path of loneliness, disappointment and perhaps… Failure.

Now go on and try that personality test and update me on your discoveries!

Josie escapes…